Saturday, March 15, 2014

I Noah guy!

What’s crazier than a 777 Boeing 
Jet Liner that disappears into thin air?

Noah and his ark!

Noah builds an ark. He is commanded by God to take two of every animal with him. A storm follows and the entire earth is flooded. The only living things to survive are those on the ark. It rains for 40 days and nights. Eventually, the rains cease. They disembark and begin the task of multiplying in hopes to replenish the barren planet. 

The story is iconic. I love the idea. I really do. I love me some Noah’s ark. The animals are darling. The logistics? Well…about that?

Would you like to be part of great team! If so, please join us! We offer an excellent environment where you're valued as an asset. We are looking to immediately accept two animals of each species. 40 days and nights. Holidays included. Serious applicants only. Apply in person at Noah’s Place. Inquire about the 600 year old man with a carpenter belt.

All applicants must be:
-in optimum health
-extremely fertile
-team players (close quarters)
-willing to copulate
-able to travel and/or re-locate

Applicants should not be:
-bothered by small or confined spaces
-afraid of the dark
-overly sensitive to motion

Benefits include:   Cramped lodging for you and a guest of your choice, assuming you both pass the health screening.   All inclusive meal plans for your dining pleasure and candle light romance all day, every day.  Naturally, obligatory copulation will be rewarded.

Why choose us?

That’s easy. It is a little bit of a do or die situation. Wink. Wink.  If you don’t choose Noah’s Ark, you’ll have to wait for the next ship:  The Titanic.  They aren’t known for their survival skills. 

The accomodations are humble.  We can’t guarantee the temperature will be consistent.  The polar bear and scorpion clearly can’t both be comfortable.  We will figure it out as we go. You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit.

We offer the finest meal plan in the land.  By finest, I mean only.  There is no other.  We have loaded up on plants and rodents for your dining pleasure.  Beggars can’t be choosers. Take it or leave it.

To the night owls, and I mean that literally, you will need to keep your noise to a dull roar the next several days.  We don’t need ornery, sleep-deprived chimpanzees throwing feces around the ark.  They don’t do well without sleep and they don’t play well with others.    If you bats and opossums must gossip about the anteaters, please do so during normal business hours.  

All animals must  be in optimum health, and in the prime of their reproductive glory.  We need babies.  And lots of them.  Copulate. Copulate. Copulate.  We have an entire planet to replenish.  There will be no rest for the wicked.  No uterus shall be empty.  Gestating will be your new pass time. Learn to love it.  If you fail, your species will not live on.  There are no runners up.  You are the future. Apologies to Mrs. Menopausal Marsupial, but we cannot allow you to board.  We will need a younger, more fertile version for this voyage. You’ve had a good life.  Run along now.  
Personally, I feel Noah was a bit irresponsible.  I think he should have been much more selective about which pairs were allowed on the ark.  I don’t think keeping the snails was his finest moment.   Sorry, but no room in the inn for Sally and Steve Snail.  And, when Bill and Brunhilda Black Widow scurried up the ramp, he did a disservice to all of us be granting them safe haven.   I would have had no problem telling them their reservation was for the next ship.  They would have to come back in the morning.  As far as flies and mosquitoes? In my opinion, allowing those pests was nothing short of blasphemous.

Evidently, Noah was a heretic. Bon Voyage!


  1. Too funny! I agree with you about the snails, except there are no male and female snails - at least not of the garden variety. No Sally, no Steve. Garden snails are hermaphroditic. Each snail has both sets of sex organs. Explain that to people who think god only likes heterosexuals. He not only made some animals AC/DC, he made sure they got on the Ark.

    1. haha. That is too funny. Who would have known? Nice information to have! Thanks.


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